Mind Like Fire
by CJ Lauren
Summary: "Because it's easier that way. Lisbon, it takes so long, so so long, to build up a home, and a family. And as soon as I manage to do so, Red John will easily, gladly take it away. And I…I can't do that again." One-shot. Written for the Paint It Red July 2013 Monthly Challenge - "Dreams come slow and they go so fast."


"Night, Lisbon," Jane called out, as he saw her heading towards the elevators.

She stopped and walked over to where he was laying down, on his couch. "You're spending the night here again?" Lisbon frowned.

"I like it here," Jane said simply. That was true, he supposed, to a point. He much preferred the couch at CBI to his motel room or Malibu house. And even if he _had_ wanted to go to his house in Malibu, it was too far to be practical.

Judging from the sad look in her eyes, Lisbon was thinking along the same lines. "Do you think it's time to maybe get an apartment here in Sacramento?" She asked softly.

"Now, why would I do that?" Jane raised an eyebrow at her.

"To have a home," she suggested lightly, but her eyes betrayed the sincerity in her words.

"I had a home. Technically, I still do. Now, _this_ is home, or as much of one as I need." Jane fixed her with a calculating look, as if daring her to challenge his assertion.

She sighed. "You need more than a couch at work, Jane. And more than the attic," she quickly added, as he opened his mouth to argue. "Why do you insist on living like this?"

Jane inwardly grimaced. Lisbon's tone was the same as it had been so many years ago, when she had demanded to know the truth about Sophie Miller. He knew he wouldn't get away with skirting the issue.

"Because it's easier that way. Lisbon, it takes so long, so _so_ long, to build up a home, and a family. And as soon as I manage to do so, Red John will easily, gladly take it away. And I…I can't do that again."

Lisbon's eyes met his, and she saw raw honesty and grief. This wasn't Jane making an excuse; this was his real fear. "So, what…you just live in limbo until we get him? Jane, it's been ten years. You deserve to move on, and live your life."

"That's not the point, Lisbon," Jane insisted, shaking his head vigorously. He sat up on the couch to get a better look at her. "I don't deserve it. But even if I did, that doesn't matter. What matters is that if I ever manage to build a life again, Red John will take it away, and I won't survive it."

"What about after we get him?" Lisbon asked curiously. She had always wondered what his plans were for after Red John was caught.

"Once he is no longer breathing, then I will be free to begin the process of creating a new home."

Lisbon's eyes narrowed. "You will be free to," she agreed, "but _will_ you?"

Jane sighed. "I think so. I'll try, anyways. I've missed it…having a place where I belong."

"You belong here, Jane."

"I suppose. But it's not the same. You all have your own lives outside of CBI. I have no one."

"You've got me," Lisbon whispered.

Jane gave her a look that was a strange mix of grateful and disbelieving and sad, but he didn't say anything.

"What if he's in jail?" Lisbon asked tentatively, suddenly avoiding his eyes.

Jane exhaled slowly. "Then I won't be free. I won't be able to trust that he won't still take it all away. I won't be safe, because he'll still have a large number of followers ready to do his bidding while he's behind bars. I know that's not the answer you wanted to hear, Lisbon, but it's the truth."

Lisbon forced her eyes to meet his, and saw that he was being completely honest with her. Not only that, but he also looked like he regretted that it was the truth. She nodded once, realizing that he was probably right. The only way to be rid of Red John is to kill him.

"That doesn't mean you have to be the one to kill him, though," Lisbon murmured, mostly to herself.

"He murdered my family." Jane's voice hardened.

"I know, Jane," Lisbon said gently.

"Do you really? Do you know the other reason why I sleep here, Lisbon?"

Lisbon's voice died in her throat, and she just shook her head.

"Nightmares," Jane told her simply, angrily. "Every time I close my eyes, I see them getting murdered. I see myself finding them, cold and bloodied with that face on the wall. When I go back to my _quiet_ motel room, climb into bed, _alone_, it's so much worse. At least here, there's always background noise, and I can pretend I'm just having a nap at work in the middle of the afternoon."

Lisbon stared at him, shocked by his admission. "Oh, Jane," she whispered, sitting down beside him and wrapping him in her arms.

"That's why Red John is mine," Jane finished stubbornly.

"You don't need to do this alone, though. We've got your back. With him, and with everything else, too," Lisbon said earnestly, obviously concerned for his well-being.

"Sure," Jane said, to appease her.

"I mean it." Lisbon gently cupped his chin with her hand and lifted his face so that his eyes met hers. While hers were filled with sincerity, his showed only self-loathing. "Jane. Come home with me tonight? I've got a spare bedroom, or a couch if you'd prefer. You need to get some real sleep."

"No thanks, Lisbon. I'm fine here."

"You're lonely," she murmured. "You don't need to be alone tonight."

"I'll be alone no matter what," Jane said forlornly. "Don't worry about me. I'll see you in the morning."

"If you won't come with me, then I'll stay here," Lisbon threatened.

Jane smiled, but it was without any mirth. "You'll do no such thing. Because if you do, you'll be forcing me back to my motel for the night, and you don't have the heart to do that to me after what I just told you."

Lisbon's face fell; his words had hurt her more than she cared to admit. He was right, though; she wanted him to be wherever he felt safe, so she nodded. "All right," she whispered. "I'll see you in the morning. But I want you to call me if you need anything, okay? Any day, any time, for any reason."

"Sure," Jane said in the same, placating voice.

Lisbon leaned over and gave him another hug. To her surprise, he wrapped his arms around her as well, and embraced her tightly, burying his face in her hair. He held her for a few moments, and then quickly pulled away.

"Goodnight," he said gruffly. He badly wanted her to stay, but knew that he couldn't let her. He didn't believe he deserved the comfort, and he _knew_ that Lisbon didn't deserve to have her life ripped apart by getting involved with him.

Lisbon stood, seeing only the signals that Jane was sending her, telling her to leave. As he had intended, she had no idea how much he wanted her there. If she did, she never would have left.

Before leaving, she briefly rested her hand on his shoulder. "Goodnight, Jane. I'll see you tomorrow. Or sooner, if you need anything." Although her tone was gentle, there was a slight warning in her last words, suggesting that if he needed something and didn't call her, she would take it as a personal insult.

Jane gave her a wide grin that she knew to be completely false, and then rested his head back on the armrest of the couch.

Lisbon had walked only a few steps before the sound of Jane's voice stopped her. "You can call me too, you know. If you need anything," he murmured.

Lisbon grinned just as widely as Jane had, except hers was genuine. "Thanks, Jane. Goodnight."

"Night," he softly replied, opening his eye a crack to watch her walk away.

Once she had gone, he wrapped his arms around himself, as if he could pretend that he wasn't really alone, but the feeling of her arms around him was gone so fast that he didn't have a chance of holding on to it. So, he closed his eyes and allowed the nightmares to fill his mind in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, a dream would finally come and chase them all away.


End file.
